Saturday, December 5, 2009

autoplay

will be disabled by default on all rich media, without exception.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

type

office computers used by minor functionaries will have only a few typefaces installed, all of which will be good ones. comic sans and paintbrush will be banned, on pain of pain, and text will be either underlined or emboldened for emphasis, never both. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Monday, April 20, 2009

attachments

will be stored as blobs with persistent and unique IDs within a service and linked to rather than attached, to prevent the constant replication of identical files. when i am king, etc.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

price stickers

will be coated with adhesives that adhere firmly but detach easily with force applied in a 45-degree angle, and without leaving behind a layer of gummy crud that somehow always turns black and can never be removed except with mineral spirits or a product such as goo-gone. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

misuse of words

will be punishable by extreme pain and public shaming. no longer will words like "hoard" and "horde," or "discreet" and "discrete," be interchanged with impunity, especially in academic journals that should know better. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

journals

will be required to publish digital versions that are suitable for online reading. this means no double (or triple) column layouts, no 2-inch wide columns, a text-layer that contains wrapping text, and type optimized for pixelation (so none of this garamond bullshit). when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

garbage can lids

will be built so that they do not detach from the rest of the can at the slightest provocation, to be left for the next conscientious individual to reaffix with much gnashing of teeth. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Monday, February 23, 2009

PDFs

will have text layers that only break at paragraphs, such that copying and pasting from them will no longer be an enormous pain. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Monday, February 2, 2009

e-book readers

will be light, compact, thin, and will not have keyboards. they will permit annotation layers and accept PDFs of all types from all sources. they will also be inexpensive and have a long battery life. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

bottles with dripless pourtops

will not drip when liquids are poured from them. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

teflon

will be banned from kitchens by royal decree and all subjects trained to properly season and maintain cast iron pans, skillets, griddles, and the like. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

pots and pans

will be of sturdy construction, not this flimsy aluminum junk, without plastic knobs or handles, such that stews started on the stove and finished in the oven will no longer occasion muttered cusswords and mid-course changes of cookware. when i am king, this is how it shall be.