Wednesday, November 17, 2010

proprietary connectors

for generic things such as audio input and output will be prohibited, so that never again will we be stranded in an airport without the ability to listen to our livescribe pulse pen recordings because we assumed incorrectly that a regular pair of earbuds would work just fine. when i am king, etc. 

Friday, August 20, 2010

alarm clocks

especially those with alarms insistent, irritating, persistent, and set for 9.45am, will be shut off before their owners leave to parts unknown for many weeks. when i am king, etc.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

bookmarklets on iphone/ipad safari

will not require 9-step installation workarounds that end in gentle seething. when i am king, this is how it will be.

Friday, May 14, 2010

hot water for tea

should never be served in a container that has been used for coffee or any other hot drink. the most carefully grown teas in the world are no match for the ghost of stale coffee grounds. expensive restaurants and their catering staff should know better. on pain of pain, etc.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


should be replicated for sequencing, so that presenters need not page backwards and forth through an enormous deck, muttering "i know the slide is in here somewhere...ah! here it, i guess that's not it. well, i'll just talk through it," all the livelong day.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

back/forth navigation buttons on sequential web content

should be locked in the same absolute location within the window, so that different-sized content doesn't make the user have to refocus on the navigation to proceed with the sequence. and while i'm here, to the power-washers stripping the paint off the building next door who are starting up the compressor now, at 5.45am EST: who do you think will be first against the wall when i am king, etc?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

jars containing fluids or suspensions

of any viscosity will be required to have wide mouths and no shoulders, such that never again will anyone be late for an early meeting because the last droplets of honey were trapped in the rounded shoulder of the honey jar, beyond the reach of even the bendiest spoon.

Monday, March 29, 2010

sick people

will be banned from public spaces, classrooms, and places of work.
when i am king, etc.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

after-dinner caffeinated beverages

for prohibitively expensive meals will be gratis and well-made. and if not well-made, omitted. needless to say, if neither gratis nor well-made, the proprietor of the establishment should know that he is unwelcome in the kingdom, on pain of pain. when i am king, etc.

blog feeds

will feature truncated posts only if the truncation takes the form of a summary abstract or if the post consists mostly of bandwidth-intensive content (like autoplay videos, yet another no-no), such that never again will readers have to "click here" to read the article, thus disrupting their laboriously-streamlined feed reader strategy. when i am king, etc.

Monday, March 1, 2010


should be linked to rather than merely described, so that never again will i visit a webpage (page A) only to be told to visit another webpage (page B) to click on a link (to page C) that could have been linked to directly from page A. especially when the link to page C on page B has been moved to a different section of page B entirely. are you confused yet? i can't even describe it with my usual crispness and concision, is how ridiculous this is. this is a more general form of the last tirade, about attribution hyperlinks. when i am king, etc. 

Saturday, February 27, 2010

attribution hyperlinks

will link to resources about the referent that are either appropriately canonical or intended to be so (yes, wikipedia sort of counts), such that quality data is always as few clicks away as possible. indeed this is an obscure edict but, when i am king, this is how it shall be. 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

downloadable documents

will have filenames that provide decent, human-readable clues to what the documents actually are, instead of automatically-generated and meaningless jumbles of letters and numbers.