Wednesday, December 31, 2008

ground meat

will be frozen in 1/2 pound blocks separated by wax paper immediately after it returns from the grocery store, such that those returning home after a day of looking forward to really fantastic burgers with homemade curry paste only to discover that they'd accidentally put the beef cubes in the refrigerator to defrost the night before need never again microwave defrost four pounds of ground sirloin. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

plastic tumblers

shall be replaced with ones made of glass or ceramic. no one will
drink out of cracked and hazy plastic to which grease and slime sticks
persistently when other options are available at just a small price
premium. special dispensation will be granted to parents of small
children on condition that their cups be made of BPA-free
polycarbonate resin, polypropylene, or the like.

disposable cutting boards

shall be outlawed, their flimsy, multicoloured plastic never again to
sully any kitchen. their purchasers too will be tortured in
interesting ways and made to use cutting blocks of decent size and
honest construction. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

soup bowls

shall be small in diameter, yet deep, such that never again will
oatmeal overflow in the microwave while unattended. when i am king,
this is how it shall be.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


when i am king, manufacturers of sinks will make the little drain channel for the built-in soapdish lower than the lowest point in the soapdish, such that the stagnant, scum-filled pools of today will be a distant memory. when i am king, this is how it will be.